Storytime
Six-year-old me trembled as I swallowed my sobs.
A single tear slipped out, landing gently on my Book About Me, smearing my first name. Mrs. Monahan turned away to return papers to other students as if what she’d done was no big deal. But it was a big deal to me.
Even at that tender age, I knew that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. This was my very first book. This book was everything.
Before I turned in my book, I re-read it to myself, smoothing each page with my hand, one-by-one. While most of the other kids haphazardly tossed their books into the teacher’s in-basket, I waited until everyone else turned theirs in before I gently placed mine on top, not wanting it to get crushed or inadvertently folded.
For the next two weeks I bugged our teacher incessantly. “Are we getting our books back today?” Each time I was greeted with a curt “No.”
The moment she placed my Book About Me on my desk was the most hurt I’ve ever been in my whole life. I took one look at my book, turned it upside down, and put my head down on my desk.
TERI LEIGH LEE RASMUSSON
While the rest of the class flipped through their books to see all the comments from the teacher, I couldn’t bring myself to even open to the first page. None of them was upset.
My book is ruined.
I kept my head down, a small puddle of tears and snot began to form on my desk under my nose. Was I over-reacting?
Why would she do this?
I took that single cross-out to a much deeper meaning. If my name was wrong, then everything about me must be wrong!
My name! The one thing that’s all mine!
I know how to spell my own name.
Am I . . . wrong?
At the end of class, I quietly dropped the book in the trash. I was so ashamed that I didn’t tell my parents what happened. Afraid my big brother would call me a whiney-baby, I pretended that I lost the book on my way home from school, and that it wasn’t a big deal.
But to little me, it was a big deal — a massive one.
Are you a Sensitive Soul?
I was a very shy and quiet kid. Everyone called me over-sensitive.
When Mrs. Monahan ruined my Book About Me, I wanted to push that over-whelming bundle of over-confusing emotions out of me in a massive temper tantrum.
But that kind of behavior isn’t appropriate, in the outside world.
So I became good at controlling it, and everything else.
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Do you overthink and overfeel the big things, small things, and the nothing things?
Do you feel other people’s feely-feels as if they’re your own?
Do you search for meaning, depth, symbolism, and wisdom in everything?
Or maybe you get overwhelmed by the “outside world”?
If you’re a Sensitive Soul like me, you feel the messiness of life in big sloppy ways right down to frequent crying when you don’t even know why you’re crying. Your brain works in circles, loop-de-loops, curly cues, and spiral designs while your senses work in hyper-drive all the time.
I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.
Life happens.
It’s messy.
If you relate to any one of these, or many of them. Can we be friends?
Lesson
For decades after that day when I threw away my Book About Me, my inner voice nagged me to fix anything and everything that was wrong. Get good grades. Keep things neat, organized, and tidy. Do everything right.
If I could just make things right, maybe I wouldn’t feel things so damn much.
I stuffed my over-sensitive feelings into the corners of myself, resulting in tight muscles, headaches, and a lifetime’s worth of controlling perfectionistic behaviors. Everything triggered me. My nervous system was very easily frayed.
All the self-help and personal-development gurus say spiritual practices and mindfulness are the key to nervous system regulation. I did them all. Yoga, meditation, gratitude, prayer, shadow-work, etc. I got really good at doing them. . . right. I became a master of some.
I wish I could tell you that I discovered a quick fix to this over-sensitivity to everything and this all-encompassing sense of wrongness.
You and I both know, there’s no such magick pill.
But there is a secret sauce.
We are sensitive souls, it’s just how we are.
And being sensitive is, well, messy.
It is perfectly normal, and healthy to experience all those feelings. And, more importantly, it is necessary to express them.
I realized that I can’t fix any of the foibles of wrongness, or outrun the big bad monster of over-sensitivity. I finally let myself see my sensitivity as a beautiful mess. That’s when I discovered the secret sauce. A sauce that starts as a whisper, slowly simmers and then gently bubbles. Over time, this sauce only gets better and better.
The secret sauce is Self-Acceptance.
You are perfect, just as you are.
You don’t need to fix yourself, or change what’s wrong.
As a woman on the other side of 50, who was head chef at The Control Freak Café, I don’t feel wrong anymore, about anything.
I learned to mix the hard stuff with the great stuff in the sizzling pan of my life. I add the spices of tiny tumblings and the seasonings of small wins, celebrating my capacity to incorporate all of it into the recipe of who I am. Sometimes with grace, and sometimes with klutziness, all while being able to smile and laugh with my six-year-old self.
MindfulSense
a practice in self-acceptance that just makes sense
You don’t have to set aside 30 minutes out of your day for the so-called mindfulness practices such as yoga, meditation, journaling, gratitude, time in nature. That’s just not sustainable.
You also don’t have to be the master of making things right, and perfect, and controlled, and ordered. That just leads to more feelings of inadequacy.
MindfulSense happens in tiny 3-second snippets of time, in tiny moments and actions all day long.
Wash your hands
Feel the slippery suds between your fingers while washing your hands.Buckl your seatbelt
Enjoy the satisfying click of the seat belt locking into place.Walk the dog
Savor the gentle breeze blowing on your face while your pup stops to sniff.
MindfulSense is about paying attention to all the feelz of life, and fully letting yourself FEEL them. All of them. In tiny bite-sized and easy-to-swallow bits.
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Mrs. Monahan may have hurt me, but I managed to get over it and become a writer anyway. I publish weekly articles here on The MindfulSense Mentor🧚 about being a sensitive soul, and the tiny little MindfulSense practices I’ve learned to help me accept myself just as I am.
About TeriLeigh
Over 30 years, I have taught 200,000+ students and worked one-on-one with 2,000+ clients. I’ve held and carried many titles: Teacher, Writer, Wellness Educator, Spiritual Mentor, Shaman Elder, Chakra Expert, Reiki Master, Yoga Instructor, Heart Sister, Soul Retriever, Perspective Shifter, and all around Magick Maker.
A few quirky things about me.
🌹 I look up the origins of words just for gits and shiggles.
🏊 I was a synchronized swimmer, and I can hold my breath for 2min
🐕 I talk to dogs as if they are humans.
Looking for refreshingly whimsical Relationship Advice or interested in learning more about the power of Words? Check out my other newsletters: Words are Spells 🔮 and The 🧙🏼♂️Hobbit & The 🦉Owl.
I love the concept of MindfulSense and finding those tiny moments of presence throughout the day. It's a beautiful reminder that we don't need to carve out large chunks of time for mindfulness; we can cultivate it in the simple acts of daily life.
This was every sensitive child's story in some form. I always wish we could go back and tell ourselves that it all works out in the end.